Unfinished Faith: Relearning God.

Week 36:

The bit where I introduce:

Forgiveness is something we have touched on in previous devotions way back in week 7.

We often hear forgiveness spoken about as though it means everything goes back to the way it was before. We’re told to forgive, let go, move on…and sometimes the unspoken message is that forgiveness means reopening the door, restoring trust or returning to the relationship as though nothing happened.

 But what if forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t the same?

What if you can release someone from the debt of what they have done without giving them the same access to you?

What if forgiveness can coexist with boundaries, wisdom and distance?

I think for me the hardest part isn’t learning to forgive; it’s the learning that forgiveness doesn’t require us to abandon ourselves in the process.

The bit where I refer to the Bible and ask a few rhetorical questions:

Romans 12:18 “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

The reason I chose this verse among many is that for me it debunks the idea that reconciliation is always a two-person responsibility.  

The context of Romans 12 directly addresses struggle, offering wisdom that pushes against the tide of cultural expectations. In a nutshell it unpacks lessons that Paul presents about renewal, humility, and love, equipping us with actionable strategies for a more authentic life.

This verse for me is honesty, I really appreciate that. Paul doesn’t say live in peace with everyone, it says, “if it is possible” and “as far as it depends on you” He’s giving us exceptions, because peace isn’t entirely up to us in difficult situations in life we find ourselves in.

Often in my counselling practice I encourage these statements with clients:

We can forgive and still recognise the relationship isn’t safe or healthy.

 We can let go of the resentment without pretending the hurt didn’t happen.

 We can stop seeking revenge without giving someone the same access to our lives.

 And we can do our part to make peace while accepting that the other person’s choices are NOT ours to control.

Forgiveness I believe is about what we choose to do with the hurt we carry, whereas reconciliation requires two people, trust takes time! I think that’s where Paul’s words are so freeing. Paul isn’t demanding reconciliation because Christian forgiveness is not the same thing as restoring relationship to it’s former. The bible never asks us to call harm good, ignore patterns of behaviour, or continually place ourselves where we are being wounded or not safe. Jesus even, loved people deeply without entrusting Himself indiscriminately to them (John 2:24) There is no contradiction between forgiving someone and maintaining a boundary. This is an import distinction.

I think genuinely what we can do is surrender what we can’t change in the other person to God and expect His wisdom to determine if this is a relationship that is safe to return to, if at all.

The bit where you get to think about stuff: Questions for the week.

Am I or have I confused forgiveness for reconciliation and is there a boundary I need to establish or strengthen?

Is there someone I need to forgive, not because of what happened was okay, but because I no longer want to carry the weight of it?

What would it look like for me to forgive and still take some responsibility for what does depend on me?